TheJOTUS

The Jim of the United States

Archive for April, 2009

Third Super Terrific Happy Hour Not So Terrific

Posted by TheJOTUS on April 30, 2009

President Teleflubber’s third primetime presser in three months didn’t turn out as well as planned.  In fact, he was down about 29% (it took me forever to find this) from last month’s presser and 42% from February’s.  For a guy celebrating what some billed as the greatest 100 days evvaaahhh, that uh, ain’t so good.  Perhaps the TOTUS novelty has finally worn thin.

Surprisingly, at least for me, is that Fox stuck to its guns and went with scheduled programming airing the show Lie to Me.  Here in the KC metro, our local Fox affiliate chose to show the NOTUS speechifying.  Cowards. 

At any rate, the show posted a paltry 2.4 rating compared to, say, ABC’s 1.6.  Of course, it is entirely possible people were confused on what program was what.

Posted in B. Hussein Obama, Media Bias, Politically Speaking | Leave a Comment »

Man Those Brits Come Up With Some Game Shows, Huh?

Posted by TheJOTUS on April 30, 2009

Apparently this particular episode has been around for several months, but I’m still posting it.

Me?  I would have kept the pimp hand strong, but ahhhhh, yeah, not so much in this guy’s case. 

I would have thought this would have gone the other way.  But then again, I think girls are made of sugar, spice and everything nice.  Yeah, I’m a sucker:

Posted in Nuggets of Potpourri | Leave a Comment »

Senate Confirms Pro-Abortion HHS Secretary

Posted by TheJOTUS on April 29, 2009

And both pro-life republican Senators from Kansas voted for her.  What the hell is going on here?  Um, arlen, you still holding that door open?

So the tax challenged-pro-abortion-BFF with infamous late term abortion doctor George Tiller, Kathleen Sebelius was confirmed by the Senate for Health and Human Services Secretary.  Health and Human Services Secretary.

Now I’m verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves. I’ll give you a topic:  Irony.  Discuss!

Posted in Politically Speaking | Leave a Comment »

Afraid Of Defeat, Specter Takes The Easy Way Out

Posted by TheJOTUS on April 29, 2009

When faced with a current 21 point deficit in the polls to Pat Toomey and a sure beat down in the Republican primaries, specter did what any morally and ethically bankrupt politician would do:  He switched parties.  When the going got tough for ‘ol arlen……well the weak got going.  And specter took his ball and went home.  Pussy.

I say good riddance.  And I am not buying any crap about this stupid “tent” these rino’s keep talking about.  You know, a perverbial tent to allow for some diversity of opinion on issues in order to reach out to these squishy, linguini-spined independents to covet their votes.  Screw them.  This notion that conservatives need to be careful about picking their battles is absurd.   I reject the idea that it is better to have a weak-kneed Senator who votes against us more than with us, than a solid Senate candidate who nobly loses while keeping his conservative principles intact.

Frankly, I’m not sure why this is such a shock.  The fact some republicans were left flat footed is lost on me.  What core values did this douchtool represent?  His colors have been showing for quite some time, most recently with the porkulous vote.  He was one of three republicans on Capitol Hill that voted for porkulous.  More democrats rejected the porkulous than republicans voted to support it.  He voted to weaken Bush’s tax cuts.  He went along with the railroading of Supreme Court nominee Robert Bork.  He even opposed parental notification on abortions – not consent, but notification.

I think we have learned something quite valuable here and that is arlen spector is a political hack and cowardly individual.  At the first chance he might lose his Senate seat–and power–he bolts in an ass-saving cowardly maneuver.  This isn’t bitterness, at least on my part.  If he wants to switch parties, that is perfectly fine.  He could have done it in an honorable way by resigning, possibly getting appointed by the democratic governor, or could have just run against whoever received the appointment.  He chose the easy way.

But before that door hits you in the ass arlen, why don’t you hold it open to see if we can get a few more to follow you.  McCain, Snowe, Collins, Grahamnesty…I am sure I am forgetting someone.

Posted in At The Polls, Politically Speaking | Leave a Comment »

D-Bag Of The Day

Posted by TheJOTUS on April 29, 2009

Biggest douche nozzle on the internet?  Or biggest douche nozzle evaaaahhhhhh???

You decide.

I know, right?  It was too ridiculous to make up so I had to post it.

Posted in Nuggets of Potpourri | Leave a Comment »

David Caruso Safe Once Again

Posted by TheJOTUS on April 29, 2009

A stalker (are you kidding?) of David Caruso has been jailed for 7 months by a court in Innsbruck, western Austria.

Horatio Caine had this to say:

“She’s not a head case, she’s our case”  Yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!

Posted in Celebrity Hot Air, Nuggets of Potpourri | 1 Comment »

Biggest Hitter For 2008? ExxonMobile

Posted by TheJOTUS on April 29, 2009

Yep, ExxonMobile topped the Fortune 500 for 2008:

……big hitter, the Lama – hits it long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga… gunga, gunga-galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he’s gonna stiff me. And I say, “Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know.” And he says, “Oh, uh, there won’t be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.” So I got that goin’ for me, which is nice.”

Man I love that movie.  At any rate, back to XOM:  Roughly 45 billion in profits on 442 billion in revenue, or basically 10% if my trusty Abacus ain’t lying (It ain’t.  Although it is a shit load of beads).

Wal-Mart, with slightly tighter margins…ahem…, followed up with a 3% profit of 13.4 billion on 405 billion in revenue.  Slackers:

Chevron (8%)
ConocoPhillips ( -7 %, dude.  Who the hell is running this?)
GE (9%)
GM, Ford (Ouch)

Actually with roughly 55% (per gallon) going to refining, distributing and delivering costs, not to mention the crushing environmental regulations, that is a pretty fair margin.  Plus, keep in mind the crippling taxes as well (Although not allocated in the profits, it is still note worthy on the price per gallon).  You can read more of my thoughts on this here.

There is an old saying:  If you don’t like the price, stop buying the product.  That is how capitalism works. 

Close.  But in the case of gasoline, where you need the product whether you like it or not, you should be finding ways to buy less of it.  The price will revert to what the market will bear.

Posted in Energy, Taxes | 1 Comment »

Former Governor Wants His Old Job Back

Posted by TheJOTUS on April 29, 2009

Oh, and by “old job” I mean the one he didn’t commit two impeachable scandals and eventually resigned in disgrace from.  But his job before that one:  Attorney General.  A job, which was in his case, is the state’s main legal advisor and has basically executive responsibility for law enforcement.

So frequenting a call girl in the exact same kind of prostitution ring he crusaded against as Attorney General, and crusades he built his political career on I might add, apparently doesn’t seem like a problem or conflict of interest to him:

After launching a column on Slate.com, and giving interviews to National Public Radio and the “Today” show, the sources say, the disgraced former governor told friends: “My record as governor was disappointing, but the voters will remember my excellent two terms as attorney general.”

Disappointing??  Disappointing is pulling out and mistakenly throwing it on your side of the bed instead of hers (What?  I am keeping with the theme here…don’t judge).  It’s not like your ho-hum (Pun intended.  Bing, bang, boom!) sex scandal, such as banging a secretary or even an intern, which for some moral high grounders would be bad enough.  But this guy broke the law by spending thousands of dollars of his family’s money on prostitutes, while prosecuting other prostitutes.  Hello????  Can New York be liberal enough to put this guy back in charge?

And speaking of frequenting a call girl…Eliot apparently liked to choke his girl during sex.  And here I thought this only happened on CSI, or CSI Miami, or CSI NY, or Law and Order SVU or…my brother in-law’s apartment:

“He wanted a scenario where I was supposed to say I had just been to a self-defense class. He was supposed to respond, ‘Let’s see if you learned anything. He would be aggressive. I would have to defend myself.
“When he arrived, he took off his jacket but kept on his shirt and tie. His demeanor was nice, but I don’t remember any kissing or tenderness. He wanted to get on with the role-play. It was the first time I’d done that.
“I remember holding his wrists and him pushing back. I felt he was gauging my strength. We moved to the bed. He put his clothes neatly to the side, folding his pants. Yes, he did leave his socks on.
“I was never fully undressed. He was naked. He was perspiring a lot. He was holding me down. He pinned me to the bed. That didn’t bother me. But when he grabbed my throat, that was too much. I remember trying to push myself up off the bed, which made him apply more pressure. I’ve never been worried about my safety, but I was really concerned.
“Finally, I pushed him away and got up. He hadn’t finished. But I’d had enough. I don’t think he was planning on really hurting me. He didn’t ask if I was all right. He didn’t appear to be mad, either. Maybe he had had so many experiences with other people that he could see I didn’t know what I was doing. As he was leaving, he gave me a tip.”

That’s hot.  Sort of.  Ok, yes it is…

I remember when this story came out last year there was some mention of a particular sex act that Spitzer wanted, and was willing to pay extra for.  My first thought, and really my only thought, was a scene from The Soprano’s.  A scene where, during sex, Ralph Cifaretto is taking it in the ass with a dildo by Janice Soprano.  Man, was I way off.

So whoever said “sexual asphyxia”……come on down!  You’re the next contestant on “Weird shit you can do during sex!”

Posted in Nuggets of Potpourri, Politically Speaking | 1 Comment »

TheJotus On…Err…Was On Hiatus

Posted by TheJOTUS on April 28, 2009

Yeah I know, I know, it has been a few weeks since my last post.  What is interesting is that since my last post, 224 people have checked out the site.  So, I either have some serious disappointed fans…ahem… or a lot of folks just stumbled on to the site.  Either way, I apologize.

It reminds me of one of my favorite Seinfeld episodes where Kramer digs the Merv Griffin set out of the garbage:

Kramer:  We’ve offically bottomed out.  We need a new format.  We should shut down…and retool.

Newman:  What about a guest host?

Kramer: I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that.

So while I haven’t “bottomed” out, I did get lazy.  And I am not necessarily creating a new format, but I do have some changes planned.

Oh, and as far as a guest host goes?  I am always entertaining resumes for qualified applicants.  Although you might want to take note of a few things:

All applicants are stripped, deloused, beaten down with a water hose, and shackled prior to and possibly during, the interview process.  The hot female applicants will peel me grapes and fan me with a giant feather whatever-that-is-called.  I call this the “Getting To Know You” phase. 

You will then be thrown into a pit where you must participate in fight-to-the-death matches with the other prospective-henchpersons (The hottest female applicant will dress in a Princess Leia type bikini, circuit Return of the Jedi, and watch with me while the matches are under way).  If you survive, you will then be given information on TheJotus insurance plans and company handbook.

Also, there is no stock or paid dividends. All money, booty, loot, treasure, and offerings are the sole property of the President and CEO–TheJotus.   Slaves…errrr…employees voluntarily donate their time, motivated by the occasional verbal lashing or several hour viewings of The View or MSNBC.

Furthermore, you will be asked to perform acts which go against the laws of both God and Man. You will also be required to perform various assassinations, rub-outs, and coup d’etats in the event that I cannot attend to these things myself. You will also be responsible for keeping my glands in proper working order.

If this is agreeable to you, and you have no living relatives, then please send several nude photos and your best-of-ten targets from the shooting range.  Or just nude photos will be fine.

Good luck!

Posted in Nuggets of Potpourri | 3 Comments »