The Jim of the United States

Archive for May, 2009

Best Marriage Proposal Evahhhhhh

Posted by TheJOTUS on May 28, 2009

Ok, maybe not.  But his heart was in the right place, right ladies?

Quote of the day: “What do I do?  Call the fire department?”  Classtastic.

If two months salary is the rule of thumb on an engagement ring……well that balloon flew away like a fart in the wind.


Posted in Nuggets of Potpourri | 4 Comments »

Pansy Of The Day

Posted by TheJOTUS on May 26, 2009

Actually it is from last week, but give me a break, I don’t watch The View so it took awhile for it to get to me.  If they made watching this show part of our “torture” tactics, it would make waterboarding seem like a wet wash cloth.

In this segment, Glenn Beck drops by to rustle the feathers of the cackling hens over at The View.  Turns out, Beck got hen pecked himself…ahem.

In case you can’t stomach 6 plus minutes of this crap, it sums up like this:  Barbara Walters and Whoopi Goldberg feel much maligned because Beck said they had reserved seats on a train, as he was told by Amtrak.  He was trying to paint the picture of the two being elitists.  Walters and Goldberg claim it’s not true.

What makes Beck a pansy is the fact he let these two intellectual dimwits push him around.  He lost control and was backpeddling the entire way.  And that is pathetic.

In other news regarding Fox personalities…

The NYT is reporting possible rumors that Megyn Kelly might be taking Greta Van Susteren’s spot once her contract runs out.  Oh my.  Oh…Miss Megyn, sooo hot, want to touch the hiny.  Ahhhooooooooooooo…

Ahem, where was I?  Oh right. 

Actually I kind of like Greta.  Sure she goes a bit overboard on the missing children/murdering husbands/child murderers yada, yada, yada.  But it is a change of pace from two straight hours of Hannity and O’Reilly. 

Frankly, if there were going to be any replacements, I would like to see Megyn take the place of that pansy Glenn Beck.  Kelly is hot, has a legal backround, tenacious and doesn’t let her guests run the show.

Plus she is hot.  Not sure if I pointed that out.

Posted in Celebrity Hot Air | Leave a Comment »

Someone Told Me Voting For McCain Would Give Me An Idiot For A Vice President

Posted by TheJOTUS on May 22, 2009

biden And by golly, they were dead balls on.  Or they could have meant liar, buuuuuuuut I am going with the experts on this one.

So at a time where the former VP is you know, telling the truth, we get “plugs” Biden telling this whopper:

During his speech, Mr. Biden recalled his trip to the country in 1993, and how, flying in at the time, his plane was fired upon, and bombed-out homes with snipers inside could be seen.

Of course, nothing will come of this mediawise because most just view Biden as the neighborhood retarded kid who you ignore when he says something retarded.

This is now at least three countries he has claimed to have been shot at in:  Bosnia, Iraq and Afghanistan.  Whether it be lying about his standing in law school, his scholarships or being shot at, it is clear this guy needs to exaggerate or lie to make himself look like the smartest and toughest guy in the room.  What it really makes him look like is a complete jackass.

UPDATE:  Turns out, Joe’s boss is even distracted by his idiocy:

President Obama is so “distracted by his vice president’s indiscipline” that he has been forced to rebuke privately Vice President Joe Biden, according to a new book by Newsweek journalist Richard Wolffe, who interviewed Obama a dozen times.

“He can’t keep his mouth shut,” Wolffe quotes a “senior Obama aide” as saying of the gaffe-prone Biden in “Renegade: The Making of a President,” set for release June 2.

2012 is three long years away Barry.

Posted in Politically Speaking | 1 Comment »

Mother Of Twins Finds Out They Have Different Fathers

Posted by TheJOTUS on May 19, 2009

Or the headline could have read “Mother of twins is handed scientific evidence that she is a dirty, dirty whore.”  But I took the high road.

So, she commits adultery, but apparently did so within 24 hours or so of sleeping with her partner.  You know, the adultery doesn’t even really bother me.  It’s more of the I-can’t-get-enough-cock-within-a-24 hour-window part.  And here I have a hard time rubbing one out in a weekend, let alone sexual acts with two different people in one day.

I mean c’mon, at least flogging the ‘ol dolphin takes like two minutes, tops.  If you are good at it.  But sex?  With two different people?  In 24 hours?  Now that takes effort.  Real effort.

Mia Washington decided to get some expert advice when she and her partner noticed that twins Justin and Jordan had different facial features.

Paternity tests then revealed what had happened — two eggs had been fertilized by two different sperm and there was a 99.99% chance the twins had different dads.

Doctors at the DNA lab in Dallas, Texas had never seen such a result.

Washington later admitted she had had an affair and got pregnant by two different men at the same time.

“Out of all people in America and of all people in the world, it had to happen to me, she told “I’m very shocked.”****

****And by shocked, she clearly meant “Of all of the whores in America who like to sleep with other men less than a day after already sleeping with one man, it had to happen to me.”

But I should stop.  Perhaps I should take our President’s view of unicorn shitting utopia and cope with the fact that this woman is in desperate need of understanding, open dialogue about her right to abort one, or both, of these unwanted children, and all the entitlement funding she can cram not only into her pockets, but her vast, gaping, coochiesnatcher.

Posted in Nuggets of Potpourri | 1 Comment »

Obama Celebrates “Five of Four”

Posted by TheJOTUS on May 6, 2009

Yeah, I know I am a little behind on this.  You’ll have to deal with it.

Obama had a little gaffe the other day when addressing his celebration of Cinco de Mayo:

Welcome to Cinco de Cuatro—Cinco de Mayo at the White House,” said Obama, in what appeared to be an attempt to note they were celebrating on the fourth of May instead of the fifth.

Cinco de cuatro means “five of four” in Spanish.

Admittedly, this is a tad nit picky on the old gaffe-meter.  Especially compared to some of his other doozies that sent the meter spinning like a top.  But it is another item for the “What if Bush said it” file.

I am going to chalk this up to him not being able to tell a joke.  A botched a joke with five words…and a bad joke at that.  As soon as he let that knee slapper out, realizing he completely fumbled it, he looked down at his teleprompter watch as if it had failed him.

A shining example of the greatest speaker evvaaahhh…

Posted in B. Hussein Obama, Media Bias | 1 Comment »

Forgetting Sarah Marshall Is Actually Quite Memorable

Posted by TheJOTUS on May 4, 2009

Saturday night’s HBO movie was Forgetting Sarah Marshall, so I was finally able to sit down and watch it.  For some reason I had some reservations about this flick and couldn’t bring myself to rent it.  I wish I would have, because it was a pretty damn good movie.

The movie starts off with Peter Bretter, a musician who composes the music for a CSI type crime show, on which the love of his life, Sarah Marshall (the extremely hot Kristen Bell), is the star.  But Sarah has found another and breaks up with Peter in a scene best only described as involving some major male frontal nudity.  I can only imagine the number of takes it took to get through that.

After weeks of one night stands, Peter decides a trip to Hawaii might help him get over his former love.  And by chance, chooses the same resort where Sarah and her new boyfriend, rock star Aldous Snow (played by Russell Brand), are staying.  This is the second movie where I found Brand funny and he does a great job throughout the movie.  The scene where he sings the song “Inside of you” and what he does with the christian couple are laugh out loud funny.

After Peter runs into them in the lobby, Rachel (Mila Kunis), the desk clerk, takes pity on him with a comped $6,000 a night suite where he spends his first day crying on the floor like a woman. 

Most will know Rachel as the bitchy, demanding girlfriend Jackie from “That 70’s Show” and as the voice of Meg Griffin from “Family Guy.”  And while she has grown into something quite tasty, I still can’t get either character out of my mind when watching her.  And she definitely can’t hold a candle to Sarah.

Up to this point, the movie was kind of filled with pointless adolecent crudity, which I like.  I am a simpleton like that.  But once he meets Rachel, the movie becomes a little more lighthearted.  A lot goes on between the two and you can’t help but to finally root for Peter. 

I also liked how they portrayed the exgirlfriend in Sarah.  Although it is probably more of a testament to the yummy, yummy Kristen Bell.  There seemed to be this underlying perception that Sarah was just this egomaniac, narcissistic, I think I am better than you, bitch.  And while she didn’t handle the end of the relationship very well, we come to find out in a funny we-see-Peter-from-Sarah’s point of view scene, she did the best she could in an otherwise failing relationship.

As I watched this movie, I found myself relating to it very much as I too have had my heart broken.  My still beating heart was ripped out of my chest, shown to me, dropped to the floor, and then repeatedly stepped on with golf shoes.  I’m talking the old school ones with metal spikes.  And no, I didn’t have weeks of one night stands or head out to Hawaii for an extended vacation.  But I did come to realize, like in life, you move on.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall is a good flick, with some great lines and some laugh out loud scenes.  Some familiar regulars show up as well with Jonah Hill from Superbad and Paul Rudd from Role Models, both are quite funny.  I definitely recommend this one.

Posted in Movie/TV Reviews | 1 Comment »

The Saturday Overnight

Posted by TheJOTUS on May 3, 2009

A couple of videos to waste some time:

Um, the worst fight scene evaaahh.  I can’t possibly imagine what the rest of the movie was like.  Yikes

Levi Johnston’s eharmony profile (he forgot to mention he was a douch bag) in response to Lindsay Lohan’s profile.  Is it just me or is she hot in an unstable, totally psychotic way?  Yeah, it probably is…

ShamWow has got nothing on the Cockshot:  “Guy’s, we’re going to make America’s meat bananas hurt one cock at a time.”  Cocktastic.

Shouldn’t they see if one can get up Rocky style?  Guess not.

Posted in Nuggets of Potpourri | Leave a Comment »

Jack Kemp, RIP

Posted by TheJOTUS on May 2, 2009

Breaking news on Fox, the former vice presidential candidate and pro QB has died at age 73:

Jack Kemp, the ex-football star, congressman, one-time Republican vice-presidential nominee and self-described “bleeding-heart conservative” died Saturday.

His spokeswoman Bona Park and longtime friend and former campaign adviser Edwin J. Feulner confirmed that Kemp died after a lengthy illness.

Kemp had announced in January 2009 that he had been diagnosed with cancer. He said he was undergoing tests but gave no other detail.

That sucks.  He was the only reason I voted for Dole in the ’96 election.  Actually that isn’t true, I still would have voted for Baaaab Dole.  But like the recent 2008 election, he was the more qualified individual on the ticket.

Rest in peace Mr. Kemp.

Posted in Politically Speaking | Leave a Comment »

Princess Bride Kicks Spicoli To The Curb

Posted by TheJOTUS on May 1, 2009

Apparently Robin Wright is filing for divorce against husband of 13 long years, Sean Spicoli Penn.  The article suggests it might have had something to do with numerous women who befriended…ahem…Penn during the marriage.  Or it could be his weird, stalkerish, homo-erotic facination with tyrant Hugo Chavez.  I dunno.

Or it could be Penn is just a colossal tool bag.

Posted in Celebrity Hot Air | Leave a Comment »