The Jim of the United States

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Dictatorship 101

Posted by TheJOTUS on December 7, 2008

A few pointers on how to become a successful dictator.  All you need to focus on is to pick the country.  Like Lex Luther in Superman II, I am picking Australia.  TheJotus, ruler of Australia!  Sorry Australia. 

You know, by just changing a few of the names and faces with this, this sounds awfully familiar:

Rule 1. Be the richest man in your country (Daniel arap Moi, Robert Mugabe). If you are a second-generation dictator, this is not hard; just blackmail the guy who came before you (Frederick Chiluba). If you come from an oil-producing country, this is even easier (many Nigerians and Angolans, Chad). If you are a Kenyan, the National Social Security Council is always good for a few billion. Defence contracts even better (all presidents). Money-printing contracts, the best (all presidents). If you are a South African, then anything with the word “black empowerment” works fine.

Rule 2. Find poor, stupid and brutal men from every corner of your country and make them rich. Do not give them money. Give them a place to steal from. Stupid people do not save money.
Give all women’s church groups money. They are the most powerful groups in your country.

Rule 5. Allow all international NGOs and donors free access to starving rural people, so that they vote for you because they got food aid (most African countries).

Rule 6. Colonial countries expected little of Africans. Maintain this illusion. Keep your citizenry ignorant and unproductive. For their food needs, see Rule 5 above.

Rule 10. A free press is important. But have shares in all major media and make sure that you allow them to be very critical of everything, except you. You can, these days, secretly pay bloggers. They can say, for example, that your economic policy is Keynesian, but they should never say you are a “corrupt Zulu warlord”.

Rule 12. Be nice to your fellow world dictators; you may need them to give you a home some day. Join Nepad (Wade). It is great for networking. Attend all African Union (AU) meetings and bring presents. The AU is the dictator’s best friend (Idi Amin). For presents to colleagues, cash is good, gold is better and treasury bonds are best. No Ndebele prints please.


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